Ibra Single Handedly Brought CotW Back

zlatanDeadspin: The newest exhibition of the Almighty’s omnipotence comes from today’s Champions League match between PSG and Anderlecht. Not content that his previous two goals in the contest elicited the requisite levels of awe, Zlatan decided to unleash upon the globe a third that should cement in our minds his place as deity.

From a fairly slow build up, Marco Veratti finds a deep-lying Ibrahimovic for a pass just into Anderlecht’s half. Ibra spots Maxwell in space out wide and flicks the ball to him. Maxwell attempts a cross onto the surging run of Ezequiel Lavezzi but that is cut out by the Anderlecht defense.

Okay Ibra, fine, I’ll do it. I’ll come out of my lazy ass slumber and blog about how you basically just made the entire planet bust a nut on this ridiculous golazo from today’s Champions League matchup against Anderlecht.

I also came very close to writing the exact same words on Sunday afternoon after he scored this mind fuck goal vs. Bastia, but I got too drunk and then depressed at the Patriots/Jets game to do anything that wasn’t directly involved with moving into the fetal position and having a solid cry.

I guess that you can say that Ibra is having a deeeecent week? Amirite? Aside from the lazershow that he put on in today’s champions league fixture, he scored 3 other goals; no big deal. I feel kinda weird about it, but I’m seriously contemplating getting a long sleeve Ibra PSG kit. Just look at that thing, dripping with sex. Does that make me a bandwagon jumper? Absolutely. Can kind of sell it off as “Oh yeah, I went to Paris once and really fell in love with the city?” Probably not. But do you know what? I couldn’t give two shits. Ibra is so hot right now, Ibra.

PS. Sorry for the month long hiatus.

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Bale looking…uh…

I…really don’t know what to say. Just thought I should share this picture with the COTW community. (As anyone can tell, I hate Bale) Nice purse, Gareth. I legitimately thought this was an ugly chick for a second.

While scrolling for pictures of ‘disgusted monkeys’ to describe how Bale looks, I stumbled upon a picture of me, mirons09, and ajbg at our day to day jobs:

Cube monkeys…FML

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Messi’s gonna Messi

Ridiculous.

In other CL action at the moment, Klopp is ready to murder someone:

…just a slight h/t to Deadspin.

 

UPDATE: THEO WALCOTT HAS OFFICIALLY FIGURED OUT WHERE THE GOAL IS!

 

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Guess that WAG

Haven’t done one of these in a while, but I know you loyal COTW readers love this smut.

Why don’t we stay with the man of the hour…

OZIL FEVER!

Welcome to Mandy Capristo, Ozil’s girlfriend…hope you enjoyed that one.

(@MandyCapristo)

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Ronaldo establishing dominance over Bale early on

Bale looks set to make his Madrid debut, and it appears Cristiano is making sure the monkey (not racist if he’s white, guys) knows his place. From training the other day, a simple keep-away drill resulted in Ronaldo diving at Bale’s ankles the second he got the ball.

Notice everyone playing around, with happy faces, and Ronaldo NOT HAVING IT at all. Maybe he just misses his best pal, Ozil?

Am I trying to stir some shit up when there is nothing there? Probably…but I think we all know it’s going to take quite a while for Bale to fit in at Madrid:

Guys, can I come? Please?

Karim? Marcelo? Guys?

Has nothing to do with anything, just had to throw this in here


Speaking of, how is Ozil doing fitting in with his new teammates?

“Of course we can challenge for the title. This is one the biggest clubs in world.”

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Will This Thing Ever End??

internationalbreakDefinitely going to follow in BMCadwell’s footsteps and apologize for the lack of posts over the last two weeks. I was originally planning on doing a writeup after the Liverpool victory over second tier squad Manchester United (seriously, can you even top 4 bro) but I was a bit tipsy and basically lost track of the day (aka passed out).  Then I was planning on doing a Super Sunday recap during the week, but work has been a bit silly for us all over the past two weeks and blogging doesn’t quite pay the bills (yet) so unfortunately work gets priority. And to top it all off, we were smack dab in the middle of the doldrumatic state known as the international break. But enough excuses from me, I’m back and ready to roll.

Bender

I feel like since we completely dropped the ball on the Super Sunday Roundup, the next best thing I can do for ya’lls is come up with my Top 5 gifs of the Summer 2013 transfer window, so without further adieu, here we go. (Note: 60% of them include Wenger)

#5) Kicking off our GIF roundup is one from the Tottenham camp, which was clearly created at the beginning of the summer when they still had high hopes of retaining Gareth Bale. Here we have AVB and Spurs Chairman Daniel Levy and Tech Director Franco Baldini doing the Leo Dance with Gareth Bale, Paulinho and David Villa. Paulinho would be the only signing they had from that crop over the summer, but its still a fantastic gif.

#4) The first of many GIFs related to Arsene Wenger comes in at the four spot. This one is simple but it really drives the point home as it depicts Wenger going on a rabid shopping spree before the end of the transfer period. Enjoy

#3) Once again, we have another Arsene Wenger GIF. This one was essentially salt in the wounds of Arsenal supporters worldwide as it mocked the teams ability to have one quality signing after the Luis Suarez deal melted down with about one week remaining in the transfer period. I still laugh out loud whenever I watch it.

#2) This had to be one of the weirdest/best gifs of the summer. It shows the Manchester United duo of David Moyes and David De Gea with their multiple attempts to pick up Thiago Alcantara from Barcelona with a lovely Terminator 2 Twist. I can’t even imagine how much time went into this gif. Whoever put this thing together has to be one of the biggest trolls on the internet, and I respect the shit out of it.

#1) And at number one, we have our final Arsene Wenger gif, which came out moments after they completed their epic signing of German superstar Mesut Ozil, proving once and for all that in a tight situation, Wenger can still make it rain.

And there you have it fellow footy trolls. My work load has fortunately died down a bit, so expect more posts to come as we celebrate the end of this grueling international break.

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USA!

We at COTW apologize for the lack of posts lately. I think we are all slammed with work at our full time jobs, not to mention the international break not helping our cause. Nevertheless, no excuse for missing Deadline Day and rounding up Super Sunday. I think we all know what happened (Huge Liverpool win over United, Arsenal embarrassing a brand new Tottenham team full of signings with their depleted squad), and obviously I can’t wait for Saturday to see this man in an Arsenal kit.

Not going to review every signing because we are well past that, but obviously Ozil was the highlight of the day. Fellaini to United was a HUGE move that we had all been expecting, and Rooney/Ba/Suarez all stayed put. Liverpool made a couple of nice signings as well in Sakho and Ilori to bulk up the defense.

..but seriously, OZIL!!! So fucking pumped. Obviously Madrid is unleashing a joke of a smear-campaign on him now that they realized how stupid it was to let him go, saying his off-the-pitch lifestyle was affecting his play. Eat shit.

In other news, USA is officially going to Brazil next summer, after a massive win over Mexico in Columbus. It was a shaky start, but the second half proved to be the difference. MOTM Eddie Johnson played a great game, netting the first goal with a phenomenal header, beasting the whole defense. Following that, Donovan scored after a great short cross from Diskerud that found him perfectly in front of goal. We’re just not going to talk about Dempsey missing the PK. They are on fire right now. CAN’T WAIT to see this squad at full strength.

My favorite part was watching the USMNT celebrate the best way Americans know how to celebrate a patriotic victory: chanting USA and literally chugging beers. FUCKING AMERICA. I love my country.

Obligatory…

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Gabby Agbonlahor tries to bring order to the world, lays out One Direction star

Well, this is what you get on weekends of international breaks.  With no club football there are international matches and World Cup qualifiers to keep us busy.

Over the weekend there was also a charity match for former Celtic and Aston Villa player Stilyan Petrov, who had to retire after being diagnosed with Leukemia.  The game was not entirely full of “charity”, however, as football greats and celebrities mixed together on the field.  One of those impostors was One Direction star Louis Tomlinson.  (Tomlinson isn’t a complete impostor, as he has signed for a professional club.)  But Gabby Agbonhalor would try to set the world straight again and welcome this kid to the show by bull-dozing him over in his own box.


Tomlinson, wearing 1D as his kit number, would have to be substituted off pitch before he threw up all over himself.  How does this make you vomit?  Kid sounds real soft to me. Good luck play first team football for real.

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Champions League – Group stage is set, predictions start to run rampant

So that’s that.  The Champions League groups are set, with a few interest matchups, a group(s) of death, and a tough road ahead for some English clubs, easy for others.  The draw, taking place in Monaco, which only seems fitting, is a “random” selection of clubs set into different pots to essentially rank clubs and create even groups.  Let’s get a breakdown:

GROUP A: Manchester United, Shakhtar Donetsk, Bayer Leverkusen, Real Sociedad

Not a horrible break here at all for Man United.  David Moyes’ immediate future in Europe looks promising after this drawing, and United really should have no problem taking enough points from this group, if not winning it outright.

GROUP B: Real Madrid, Juventus, Galatasaray, FC Copenhagen

Not a terribly difficult group, but certainly a few good matchups and always a tough test in Galatasary.  Everyone should be afraid to go to Turkey, those guys are nuts.  Having said that, I think Juve and Real Madrid make it out to this group.  Going out on a limb, I know…

GROUP C: Benfica, Paris Saint-Germain, Olympiacos, Anderlecht

If there is a group of death, does that make this the group of life?  A stroll in the park for PSG, I reckon.  I know Benfica is always at the top of the Portuguese league, and they’re a good champions league competitor, but I’m not so sure they really should be in the top pot for the draw.  Considering the rest of the group, Benfica will make it through.

GROUP D: Bayern Munich, CSKA Moscow, Manchester City, Viktoria Plzen

Viktoria Plzen?  Sounds like a light beer.  Whatever their name is, they’re not gonna make it.  Man City has proven to be abysmal in the champions league and have shown nothing under Manuel Pelligrini yet, so I don’t know what to expect out of this group.  Munich through, and… I guess…. Man City? I don’t know….

GROUP E: Chelsea, Schalke, FC Basel, Steaua Bucharest

This is also most certainly not your group of death.  Chelsea have been very successful in the last two years in Europe so if Jose Mourinho is smart he’ll quickly crash out of this tournament, it’s done nothing good for the past two Chelsea managers.  But even his worst efforts won’t prevent him from getting past the group stage.  Schalke will be joining them.

GROUP F: Arsenal, Marseille, Borussia Dortmund, Napoli

Now this…. this may be your group of death.  Literally all four of these teams can make it into the next stage out of this group.  It continues to rain shit on Arsene Wenger.  Yeeeesh, I really thought the guy would hold on to his job but after not making out of this group that may draw the line.  I’ve got Dortmund and Napoli here making it out from the basement.

GROUP G: Porto, Atletico Madrid, Zenit Saint Petersburg, Austria Vienna

Woof.  I’m not trying to hate on Portuguese teams here, but come on!?  I don’t know what else to say here.  I like Atletico Madrid getting through here on David Villa’s back, and a shootout between Zenit and Porto.  But with all my haters-gonna-hate attitude, I’ll take Porto here.

GROUP H: Barcelona, AC Milan, Ajax, Celtic

I think the Champions League gods must just hate Celtic.  After showing some remorse to the Scottish club yesterday with a last minute winner just to make it this far, they get struck by lightning and thrown into the other group of death.  I’m not sure which group is tougher, this or group F.  Ajax also gets put in the tough group back to back years, and Celtic will have to recreate their clubs greatest ever win to even have a chance here. Which they won’t, Barca and AC on to the next.  Sorry Rod.

So there you have it.  Feel free to shed some tears, it’s back:

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Champions League group stage draw today

Today, at 11:45am EST, will be the draw for the group stage of the Champions League finals.  I’ll update this later on today with how the draw pans out, but below are the pots that each team is chosen from.  Pot 1 being the top tier teams, pot 2 second, and so on. Should be an interesting draw for English clubs with Manchester City the only one not in pot 1 (lolz).  Dortmund are also in pot 3 so they could get a tough draw.  No doubt the “random” selection will try to have Real Madrid and Barca face each other in the finals.

Pot One: Bayern Munich, Barcelona, Chelsea, Real Madrid, Manchester United, Arsenal, Porto, Benfica

Pot Two: Atletico Madrid, Shakhtar Donetsk, Schalke 04, Marseilles, CSKA Moscow, Paris SG, Milan, Juventus

Pot Three: Zenit St Petersburg, Manchester City, Ajax, Borussia Dortmund, Basel, Olympiakos, Galatasaray, Bayer Leverkusen

Pot Four: Real Sociedad, Copenhagen, Napoli, Anderlecht, Celtic, Steaua Bucharest, Viktoria Plzen, Austria Vienna

You know you’re singing it

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