Your EPL Mid Season Roundup

jose bubbleSweet Baby Jesus its been a while! I’m not even going to get into the apologizes and whatnot of explaining why we haven’t been updating the site regularly as of late. We’ve got jobs people; horrible, horrible jobs. That being said, it has been one hell of an entertaining ride so far this season; so lets take a quick look at where we stand. (I’m only going to review the teams that actually matter, if you think I’m going to waste time writing up paragraphs about Burnley, Sunderland, QPR and Hull than you’re fucking crazy.)


The Top 4:

1.) Chelsea have been absolutely CRUISING so far this season.  There has been only 1 game in 19 where they failed to gain any points. Are you kidding me? Jose and Co are absolutely smashing it and are on pace to end the season with over 100pts. I guess oil, the russian mob, extortion, money can buy you Cesc, Costa, happiness.

2.) Right behind them is Man City. And lets all just say fuck City because who honestly likes this team? I recently saw a guy in New Haven sporting a Man City zipup hoodie and I immediately felt the urge to yank my steering wheel to the right and take him out right there on the sidewalk. The only people who should be fans of City are..

  • 1.) A Sheik
  • 2.) A family member of the Sheik
  • 3.) The Brothers Gallagher
  • 4.) People from the outlined neighborhood below


3.) The Manchester United revival under Louis Van-Gaal has really chapped my ass and has also been god damn impressive at the same time. I was really enjoying trolling them last season. Live image of abgarner below when he looked at the mid season standings this morning:

4.) And at #4, like always we have Arsena…. Wait What?! South-Mother-Fuckin’ Hampton! “Oh lets sell Adam Lallana, Rickie Lambert, Dejan Lovren and Luke Shaw and see how things pan out…don’t worry we’ll dig up Graziano Pellé from Feyenoord and we’ll be good.” And whelp, it has actually played out pretty well for them so far. Last season they finished 8th with 56pts and 15 wins; and this season they’re on pace for 20 wins, which really chaps my ass because I need Liverpool to surge into the number 4 spot pronto.

Best of the Rest:

-Arsenal. (5th) Oh Arsenal, Arsenal, Arsenal how I hate thee. I think most of my hatred comes out of the fact that BMCadwell and I have played roughly 1,000 games in FIFA from ’12 to ’15 only playing Liverpool vs. Arsenal but thats beside the point. They put together a solid month of December if you don’t put too much stock in that 3-2 loss to Stock earlier in the month. GOOnner fans (mainly Piers Morgan) have been calling for Wenger’s head all season but their form towards the end of the month has been solid; and Sanchez is a god damn beast. They will most likely leapfrog Southampton in January.


-West Ham, (6th) have absolutely shocked everyone so far this season. They’ve been extremely hot and cold but they have been able to take down the likes of Liverpool and Manchester City which was pretty damn impressive. Would have been really fucking neat if they could have taken out Man City last year but thats a different story. Daifra Sakho has been key in putting this squad  so far up on the table but something tells me this cannot last, mainly the fact that their West Ham and nobody really cares about them…other than Katie Perry; I’d like to blow her bubbles, amirite!?

katy-perry-russell-brand-soccer-team-08_crop_650x440-Tottenham (7th) God writing about the Spurs will make me go insane so I’ll try to keep this brief. They suck. There we go.

-Liverpool (8th) Dear Lord the shit I can write about the first three months of this season. I’m not even going to touch the Champions League debacle that put FC Basel through to the next round instead of Liverpool. LFC have lost to the likes of West Ham, Crystal Palace (Selhurst Park is cursed), Aston Villa and Newcastle; and have had 2 0-0 draws with Hull and Sunderland. You NEED to be taking 3 pts from these fixtures. The combination of losing Suarez, Sturridge being injured, and B Rodge shelling out cash for squids like Lovren and Balotelli have made for a horrible start to the 2014-2015 campaign. There is, however, light at the end of this shit filled tunnel.


-Swansea (9th) Bony and Sigurdson; literally the only 2 reasons why this team is anywhere on the top half of the table. They will drop to bottom half by February if Fabianski is still in net.

 -Newcastle (10th) Rounding out this write are the boys from Newcastle; who are currently in search of a new manager because they let Pards go on his merry way. Honest question guys, do you think you’re going to find gold or anything better than Pards with your team and fanbase? I feel like I’m alone in thinking that Pards wasn’t all that bad. Cissé is once again playing above his paygrade so you have that to thank for your top half position. If they can manage a decent transfer window I can see them staying in the top half, but most likely they’ll fuck it up. Best of luck to you at Palace Pards, you will be missed.


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